I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
smell my finger.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
