"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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