Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
