I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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