You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
