My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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