a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She said her name was "party"
You can't special order awesome
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
