i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
