I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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