She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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