they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
only you would photoshop your dick
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
