Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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