its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
