i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
