The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
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ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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