i wish my penis had a tongue
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
