please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
