I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
