Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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