They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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