I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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