when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
