happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she told me i tasted like america
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
