You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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