this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
