sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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