i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
