Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
