I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
