drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
