He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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