don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
