I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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