im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
