Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
