Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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