im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
