Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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