i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
