I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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