turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
