Whod you bang
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
