T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
