I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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