This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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