Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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