What a fucking waste of an outfit
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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