his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
