Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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