He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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