I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
