too bad you live with your parents still
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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