he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
When are your genitals available?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"