Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
