dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
