my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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