Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I booty called her while she was in labor.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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